08 Feb RECOGNISING THE SIGNS OF TRAUMATIC BEREAVEMENT
RECOGNISING THE SIGNS OF TRAUMATIC BEREAVEMENT
Suffering a bereavement is one of the most distressing experiences you will ever go through, especially if the loved one you have lost is your child.
It is, therefore, completely natural and understandable that you will fell a mixture of intense sorrow, numbness, guilt, and even anger, as you slowly process what has happened. In time, however, it does become possible to accept your loss and, as those painful feelings lessen, move ahead with your life even while still feeling the gaping absence within it.
When I lost my twins I felt intense pain, sorrow, sadness, despair, and a deep sense of longing for my babies in the first few months after their death.
I ruminated over their tragically short lives, worrying if I had given them my best and knowing that I had fallen short. I thought of the last day I had seen them and the last day that they had spent in this world.
I found it difficult to focus on anything other than the fact that they had died. That I would never see them again, hold them, and kiss them. That I would never be able to tell them how sorry I was for losing my temper on occasion, for not giving in when they wanted something, and for not being present.
I still have these feelings sometimes. But they have become less with time. As the grieving process entered into healing (visit Healing From Loss for more details), I was able to function again. To do daily tasks, each day reaching a milestone: caring what I was wearing, baking a cake, going to the supermarket, driving, preparing my son’s school lunch.
For some people, however, these feelings of loss don’t seem to improve with the passage of time. Instead, they remain as forceful and debilitating as they were when first experienced. This is known as ‘complicated grief’, ‘traumatic grief’, or ‘persistent complex bereavement disorder’ (PCBD).
According to research, an estimated seven to 10 per cent of bereaved adults will experience some form of prolonged grief disorder, and the risk is greater when it concerns the loss of a child.
I cannot begin to imagine what that must feel like for them, being unable to do anything else as their grief is overwhelming. I remember the intensity of my feelings, and to imagine it not diminishing is terrible.
As the signs of complicated grief are, at first, indistinguishable from the normal grieving process —and recognising that everyone grieves in their own way and requires their own amount of time to do so — there is no hard and fast rule as to when grief transitions into a prolonged grief disorder.
In addition, though not always, there may be changes in habit, such as a new or greater reliance on alcohol or drugs. In such despair it is not unusual to try and find coping mechanisms which tend to fall into negative and destructive patterns that become more pronounced and apparent over time. There should be no blame attached to this. One has to understand that when you are stuck in this relentless, dark pounding ocean of grief a person will desperately seek a way to deal with all the emotions and feelings that they have swirling inside their head, even if it only brings a moment’s peace.
Other people may display their prolonged grief by exhibiting more risk-taking behaviours, such as suddenly taking up an extreme sport that previously they would never have considered or entering head-first into an unhealthy relationship. This is often a manifestation of an intense feeling that life is no longer worth living.
Related to, but different from, prolonged grief is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The differences between the two are complex but, in brief, you can think of grief being in response to the loss itself and PTSD being in response to the distressing event surrounding that loss.
While there is often an overlap of symptoms, those with PTSD also tend to experience things such as flashbacks and recurring nightmares as well as feelings of intense fear and powerlessness.
The best advice is to seek professional support if the intense feelings of grief and the problems with being able to function day to day have not lessened after one year (or six months when dealing with children or teenagers). These symptoms can include difficultly performing normal daily tasks, not socialising with friends and family, and actively avoiding social situations, and not able to handle stresses in work and family or when caring for children.
It that wasn’t challenging enough, some people will experience BOTH prolonged grief and PTSD at the same time.
I am acutely aware that it is difficult when you are in your grief to see it for yourself. You only notice it once you are on the other side; once the intensity has diminished enough; once there is space and the grief does not pull you back into that deep hole. With hindsight everything is always clearer and one can understand better.
While someone is in the midst of grief, however, having that level of awareness is a challenge. This is when it is of immeasurable help to have someone close to you to help you recognise your condition, to help you through it, and to help you find any additional support you need.
If you do have a prolonged grief disorder, PTSD, or a combination, then the help of a professional therapist is a necessity. They have the knowledge and skills to support you as you come to understand what is happening and how to get through to the other side.
I firmly believe that everyone has the strength and resilience to get through their grief in time, however unrealistic that may at first appear.
If this applies to you, or someone you know, then help may be required to achieve healing, but with time, understanding, and the right support will come a renewed sense of peace, strength, and purpose.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
- Recognise that intense feelings of sorrow, numbness, guilt, and anger are normal aspects of grief but if these emotions persist and become debilitating then it may indicate a prolonged grief disorder.
- If intense grief persists for a long time without improvement, seek professional support.
- Be alert to growing dependencies or risk-taking behaviours as signs of prolonged grief.
- Be aware that prolonged grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can coexist, and symptoms may overlap. Seek professional assistance for comprehensive support and healing.
- Remember that we all have the inner strength to get through our grief with time and the right support.
